Monday 30 April 2012

My two thoughts..


Well...
Today could have been described as the start of Dante's Inferno.
For today I seemed to drift through hell to the point of acceptance.



Limbo seems to be the place where you float about lost and without just cause.

No matter how hard I try to think things through.. nothing gets resolved. All I can seem to muster in my mind is "What should I do?" or "But how?"

No matter how hard I try and look forward I seem to be stuck in a loop where I can't venture forward.



I need to get out of my job and into "something" that I enjoy or something that I am at least respected for and mot just thrown about like some dogs play toy with no pat on the back or thanks..

The most uplifted I felt today was when a customer actually did pat me on my arm and said sorry for making me walk from one side of the store and then back again in a misunderstanding on my part. Other than that I have been used as some invisible ghost that should just do things without any recognition. Why the change all of a sudden?



I also need to get out of this flat!

I cant stress how much this needs to happen.. I honestly cant stand it any more. The complaints from people, the small space, the limitations to having it how i want it, the fact that any changes i do make I wont keep as I don't own it, the fact I cant progress with a family or anything in here.

It drives me mad.
Any money I do earn vanishes instantly on the flat and I cant progress forward.



And then comes my love life.. currently it seems to be in bits... so many conditions and things asked of me just to prove my feelings or whether its worth fighting for.

It seems that the only way I can prove I love someone is to put a ring on their finger... but you shouldn't have to do that to make them believe you love them..

Surely the ring could mean that I love her or that I'm just trying to stop her worrying.. why should I be forced to prove myself, am I truly not good enough as I am? Do I need to prove it with "things"?



Maybe I'm wrong.. maybe the only thing that actually exists is Lust and not love.. maybe love is just a sick idea made up to make people feel like they have to do extreme things for someone they lust for.. who knows ¬_¬



So yes I feel lost in limbo right now..



Next level is Lust is it not.. The one thing that causes me all these issues in the first place..

There is supposed to be a difference between love and lust..

If I see a beautiful woman in the street or on TV it does not mean I love them, I just think they look good..
Am I seriously not aloud to find other things attractive?
You don't get a pet and then state that you cant have another because you don't like any other pet.. but you can say that you like other pets but you love the one you have and don't want another right?
Lust is a sin... sadly a sin I have no control over as its a mental thing that kicks without me asking it to do so.



...



There have been so many things bring me down to the point that I question why we live... Is it even worth anything.. I mean who remembers me after I die? My gran kids.. maybe their kids.. but then I am forever forgotten. So what does my life mean, why should I stay here? To make people laugh? To watch them cry? Or maybe there is no need for me to truly be here...



I was brought a yoyo thing for my cutter and locker key by chloe.. cost her a bit but was worth it.

She knew i would use it and needed a new one.. Had it less than a week and it broke.. Caught on a door and pulled its self apart.. now im left with guilt and a broken gift.. a gift that looks just like cheese wire....


I see so many ways of just escaping this torcher... and you never know it might lead to the answers I'm looking for.. but the one thing that stops me is "Better"....

I'm always looking for better and in my mind I am screaming at myself that things "must" get better they just have to.. and its the only thing keeping me from smacking someone.. trashing things.. or worse.


I was hoping for a change today but my mind set wouldn't play ball..

Again I'm left with 2 thoughts... "What should I do?" and "But how?"

Sunday 29 April 2012

Butterfly... Changing

Today marks the day I yet again allow one of the others to take control for a while.
For those of you who have no idea as to what I mean.. this could sound crazy or it could sound normal.. depends on how you see split personality's.

For too long Jay has been screaming at James asking to be set free and tonight he almost broke free..
With thoughts of smashing up my flat and breaking my fists upon a wall to such things of just jumping from a window to seek a perfect calm...
He needs to go..

...

Its got to that point where I'm now scared to be around people when I hear his voice. I'm never sure what words he will whisper into my thoughts making me contemplate drastic changes to make in my life. All I know is they are far from good.

I'm glad that Besty was here today to back up James.. I don't think I could have coped without him keeping my calm.
"Just take a breath... count to 5 if you have to and think of something calming.. maybe a waterfall of some sorts"
All the others just seemed to step back with no clue as to what to do. =[ not very useful.

I think I may have to let Besty take control for a while so that the others can lock up all the thoughts...

Not too sure how this will effect me as I haven't let Besty take control for 5-6 years or so.
Lets just hope he knows whats good for me :P

On the plus side seeing as work is fine now it should allow me to make a few minor needed changes with friendships ^_^

Again for those of you not quite up to speed with my mind here is a quick informative update..

  • Musical Phoenix or Phe/Phe-o/Phoenix = Complete gamer, geek, nerd.. Loves playing games and doesn't really have much time for other stuff. Usually cant deal with problems unless its game based. Poor at social skills and doesn't respond much to peoples input. Tends to stay indoors and away from people where he can feel safe and calm playing games of all kinds nearly 24/7
  • Covert Hoax or Covert = The hacker... when hes about you tend to know.. hes coding/hacking or talking about conspiracies and hoax's, tends to follow ideas of Anonymous with freedom of speech and data. Will usually solve problems about anything but not always in a good way.. tends to be sneaky and cunning with long term plans where he manipulates things into working when they shouldn't.
  • Besty = The Friend.. Tends to put everything to one side for his friends.. supports anyone when needed without question. Usually there to support people and doesn't think about himself, can cause him to get in some sticky money issues due to helping others but he gets by some how..
  • Jay = The Rebel... Known only too well for his disobedience, you say don't do it and he does it and some just to prove he can. Does stuff on impulse and doesn't think about the after effects, just wants to enjoy life as much as he can without thought of who it effects. Usually locked away in my mind so that not too much damage gets done as he tends to destroy everything I build for myself.
  • James = The thinker.. Take jay and flip it on his head.. James tends to think things through and tries to understand as much as possible and then work with what hes given. All round his kind of balanced in most ways, but can be very life orientated, wanting the perfect job the perfect house and everything to be planned and working towards things.

Well thats me, me, me, me and me :P
Hopefully that helps you all understand how I work better and you should even see what I mean better when my personality changes randomly.

Well thought I'd give you all a heads up as to whos on their way... enjoy ;)

Not another complex post



They say that time repeats itself and that if something has happened once its most likely going to happen again...

This post isn't a science or clever post, if anything its a "current feelings" post.

You see last night the person mentioned in this post HERE had decided that things just didn't seem right and went back home.

This leaves me on my own once again with a gut wrenching feeling that time is repeating its self...

I know full well over the next few days I shall seem fine and as though nothing is bothering me but for those of you who actually read this you shall have a better understanding of how I'm truly feeling...

Current feelings:
You know that feeling where you work really hard applying for a job, you get a interview and then they still don't employ you.. that feeling of working so damn hard for something and it all seems to be working out fine but then all that happy success feeling gets snatched from you and you feel worthless because you weren't wanted or just didn't fit the profile they wanted..
Well thats how I currently feel right now.

I'm unsure how things will turn out..
I mean, I have been told its still gonna be fine.. but that's not what I'm feeling right now..

I feel lost....

Is time really going round on its self and things will just repeat or will things be fine?
I feel that I have lost already before I have even had a chance to start fighting for it... So fighting for it would be pointless.. but I'll still try.

Things in my eyes were going well.. Work had been very rocky I admit but that got sorted and even worked out better for the both of us. We could finally see each other more often. Sure I earn less and now money is tight, but I can get through it I always do.. I wont ever just fall and never try to keep crawling.. I'll keep moving forward no matter what life throws in my way..

*sigh*
but where do I stand with all of this?

Should I just accept the fact this is how my life will repeat?
So much screaming is going on inside my mind today, the violent anger of confusion is clawing away my mind, distracting me from everything I should be thinking instead....

I suppose I will just have to accept that "Only Time Will Tell" but the problem there is we have a limited amount of time and I'd rather not waste it n confusion and depression any more.

Which is the reason I shall seem fine... why let it control you why let it over power you.. maybe just accept the fact that I cant do anything by being down and depressed and so continue being me while the thoughts that would normally destroy me stay in my mind and allow me to continue with life.

Anyway.. this was more of a mumbling ramble than an blog post.. but I told myself that when ever something is making my mind buzz with thoughts I would blog it.. so here it is..

Thursday 26 April 2012

The answer to my life the universe and my everything...

I was having sex today when it hit me...
I know the one main thing that makes me me...

A lot of my posts have been about how I think and hopefully it has let you gain a better understanding of me. However it has also helped me better understand myself.

I have one word that describes my life, and as big headed as it sounds the word is "Better"

Let me explain...

Think of your life, how you live it and where you are in your mind. Now tell me you wouldn't like it if things were better in some way..
Maybe you wish you did better at school? Maybe you think you could be in a better position now than you actually are? I have no idea what you would like to have better.. but I'll tell you one thing. I bet there is something you want better..

The thing is it rings true for me on sooo many levels that it kind of is who I am.

Here's a few examples.
I know I could be in a better position than I am now, and no matter how much I do better myself its never enough.
I want to learn more about EVERYTHING.
Even if I had the real answer to life the universe and everything I would still want a better one.
I want a better job/flat/state of mind/understanding of people/education/physical appearance... the list goes on..

If its possible to be better then I want it.. and if you can't be better than that then why the hell not?

You see I am more than happy to be told that I am wrong, and I am more than happy to have people explain things to me. The reason for this is because I feel like i'm learning and thus getting a better understanding of something.

Yeah I make mistakes but I can assure you that unless I intend to make them again I tend to avoid it and learn from it.

So my answer to life the universe and everything is to be better.
Everywhere I go and everyone I see all want to better themselves too. So maybe that truly is the answer but we just want something that sounds better? :P

The funny thing is that I tend to have this feeling towards everything.. so for example if I see your upset I'll try to make things better any way I can.

Its a nice way to live always wanting to be better, it causes me to always push to succeed.. however when you fail at something it does show that it affected me bad.

Time Travel Memory...

Well now a previous post has distracted me slightly I'm not too sure this will have all the info that I previously wanted to post, so I may take a while to get back in the mind set and explain things clearly...

Right...

So as some of you may know Stephen Hawking spoke about Tiny Worm holes.
I would like it if at all possible for you to watch this video up to 2:28 to help you understand where my thoughts lead me.


Now.. if you have watched that video please continue to read, if not then try to hang in with me and if you get lost, try watching the video.

So as you know there are so many worm holes everywhere and so small that we cant do anything with them.
That's fine by me but it got me thinking.

If these wormholes are EVERYWHERE.. which I believe to be true then they are also inside of us.
Inside our hands, feet, mouth and even brain.

Now with that being said.. you also can't pass things through them as they are reallllly small. So you wont have new atoms passing in and out of your brain, and you wont have new protons, neutrons or electrons passing in and out of these wormholes.

But something could be passing through them?

Now here's a thought.
What if the thing that makes us us and able to think move talk, and believe we live.. well what if it was actually that small? What if it was the smallest thing to exist ever.
In this case it could pass between them, and it could always alter things when it does pass through.

I'll back up for a second and let you catch up with my thoughts..

A wormhole opens up inside out brain... (I'm just using one for now as an example..
Now something small enough passes from where ever it was through that hole and into our brain. Now the fact that it exists there and wasn't a few x's ago (seconds minutes etc) means that its going to affect the stuff around it..

For example.. lets follow the laws of science and make things bigger. (Theory of Relativity)

If a wormhole opened up in our solar system and a planet popped out of it then it would cause a change...
Other planets may start to move out of orbit to collide with this new planet, it might get pulled into the sun causing an explosion.... Either way no matter what happens, we can safely say things change.

Now if we make it smaller.. and say we have a atom, and a wormhole opened up and spat out a electron. That electron would also change the Atom and how it would normally act.

So whats to say that even on the small scale of the real worm holes in the video shown above that they wouldn't change things.
Personally I think they would.

Now that made my mind wander on many other ideas but here are a few I would like to share with you...


These ideas work on memories.

Idea 1

We can safely say that a part of our brain deals with memories, and we seem to remember some things but forget others.

Now what if memories were stored like AVI files. (Stay with me here)
Each memory cell is like a file.
It holds information on many things all at once. (quantum computer idea forming... but I'll possibly write and idea for that at a later date :D)

Basically your memory cell could hold the information of an emotion, a sound, a time/date, a x,y,z, an a,b,c and many other things.. a bit like a struct of data (bit of code talk there sorry)

Now this cell has many parts of information all held in this one cell and when you link it with another cell it adds to the memory a new piece of emotion, a sound, a time/date, a x,y,z, an a,b,c.... this causes a movie like thing to be created..

for example Scene 1 and scene 2,3,4,5,6 etc.. link them ALL together and you get a memory of your entire life..

Now say one of these cells is damaged.. you would forget that scene/memory/part... or say it was modified.. you may have a new scene/memory/part...

Now using the idea that these wormholes no matter how small they are they change things.. what if they are what causes you to forget bits of information...
OR remember.

By remember I mean DeJa view..
What if, a wormhole opened up and sent something from the future back into your mind and it was a memory link (something that when it links with a memory cell it causes you to have a memory.)

(Computer talk for a sec)
You have memory and if its empty you can use it.. but when you add something to it you can access it using a function.. now what if some how the function was used to access a memory location that was empty but in the future will be filled with information..
Of cause you would see nothing... but if a wormhole was present it might fill that memory with future memory data.
(Computer ish talk over)

So maybe these wormholes can cause deja view...



ALSO idea 2..

Dreams...
What if the worm holes open when you have a mass of energy... and they link to many other times and dimensions.
While you're sleeping the energy could be stored in your mind seeing as your not using it for motion and that could cause you to access stuff subconsciously causing you to have dreams.. or memories of things that happen in another dimension or time... or its a idea memory that then gains a visual, emotional, and sound link rather than just a thought on its own...??? so many things could be possible.



There are just too many things to type about and my brain has thought of thousands of other ideas.. and while typing I can't think quick enough... well that or I can't type as fast as I think :P

Ether way I shall end this post here and maybe add a few new ideas when I have time..

Tuesday 24 April 2012

A new way of thinking of god

I started a post a long while ago and never actually got round to finishing it... So while sitting with 3 hours to kill before work I decided to re-read it and try and add some more to it.

I have been dissing the topic of god a lot lately with a few believers and a few non-believers.

No matter how I look at the theory of god, I always see a flaw.
If you want to see why I think this then feel free to read this post…

Now seeing as it’s me, I couldn't just sit there and listen to how god is the perfect answer when I see so many flaws. So my brain started working overtime again.

After much thought, I have come up with a new belief system that actually makes sense.

Now seeing as my mind worked over time to come up with the solution, it hasn't been put into words that can explain it fully yet but this is where I will try to explain what went through my head and how I see the answer.

I haven't perfected the explanation of it verbally or with notes. However I have made a start on trying to explain it and I will allow you all to read it. The more I update the easier it should be to understand.

By all means you do not have to believe I am right and you don't have to start believing what I say.

The reason for this post is as always, just to try and explain how my mind works.

This belief system was thought up because so many people follow science and so many others follow religion but for some reason you can’t combine the two.

If you follow religion then science finds too many paradoxes’ in it and makes it unbelievable (in my opinion).
If you follow science then you still don't get all the answers you are looking for but a lot more is explained.

I thought about the both of them and came up with this...




STILL IN PROGRESS OF EXPLAINING SIMPLY
UPDATED 24/4/2012 12:16PM

Eternal Phoenix

What is the Eternal Phoenix?
The Eternal Phoenix is the name given to my new kind of belief. This belief both works on the basis of science and god like belief. The two are combined together to make a logical belief system where the arguments from both sides are supported and a balance is made.


Things needed from the God point of view:

Attributes to a God:
1.     Omniscience (Infinite knowledge),
2.   Omnipotence (Unlimited power),
3.   Omnipresence (Present everywhere),
4.   Omni benevolence (Perfect goodness)
5.   Divine simplicity (Without parts)
6.   Eternal and Necessary Existence. (Will and has always been there, and is needed to exist)
7.   Incorporeal (Without a body)
8.   Personal Being (Relates to the person)
9.   The Source of all Moral Obligation (Defines right and wrong)
10.The Greatest Conceivable Existent (The most powerful and important thing to ever exist)

These attributes are found in nearly every god, and it is these things that define such thing as a god like figure. For example, if I had all those attributes then I would technically be classed as a god

Things about existence with a god:
God created everything.
There is a heaven and a hell.
We all have a spirit/Life source.


Things needed from the science point of view:

A few science facts:

1.   Absolute Truth (True for all people at all times, universally true)
2.   Law of Logic (Ref A)
3.   Law of Mathematics (Ref B)
4.   Laws of Science (Ref C)
5.   The Nature of Laws (Ref D)
6.   Conservation of Energy Law (Ref E)
7.   Annihilation (Ref F)
8.   Energy exists
9.   We evolve
10.Time exists
11.Our mind holds our memories and our memories define us and our actions

  • (Ref A)An example of a law of logic is the law of non-contradiction. This law states, for instance, that it cannot both be true and false. I am standing up but sitting down also. I like to eat tuna but I hate eating fish.
  • (Ref B)No matter what you do, or how you say it, if you have 2 of something and add 2 more of the same thing you will always end up with 4 of that thing. No matter what you do or say this will always be true, even if you called 2 X and the other 2 Y you will still end up with X+Y.
  • (Ref C)Laws of science are basically descriptions of what matter does based on repeated observations, and are usually expressed in mathematical equations. An example of a law of science is the law of gravity. Using the law of gravity, we can predict how fast a heavier than air object will fall to the ground given all the factors for the equation.
  • (Ref D)Laws are not made of matter but are rather a non-physical thing. They are things that exist but that can’t be touched, seen or created. They are there to help us understand things and are the same throughout everything. For example 2+2 =4 not because that’s how we humans see it but because that’s how it just is. Even on a planet far away where different life forms may exist they will still say x+x=2x. It is a universal thing, and they will never change. The only thing that will change is how we perceive them.
  • (Ref E) One thing that scientists have proved is the law of “Conservation of Energy”. What this means is that the total amount of energy to exist in a closed off existence is a constant. A consequence of this law is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed: it can only be transformed from one state to another. Albert Einstein proved that mass is a form of energy and that it can change from mass to another energy using the theory of relativity. Matter particles (Atoms), and energy particles (Light) can change from one to another. However, this conversion does not affect the total energy in a closed off existence.
  • (Ref F) When a subatomic particle collides with its antiparticle it creates nothing. Since energy must be a constant the two particles are not actually made into nothing but rather into a new particle where when you add the quantum numbers from both particles the outcome is zero. This is known as “Annihilation”.

If you don’t understand any of the above things from the god or science point of view please feel free to do some research on them to understand this belief system fully.




How this belief works:

At the very beginning.

They say that in the beginning there was nothing.
Well firstly to say in the beginning there was nothing you are assuming that there is a beginning.

I personally can’t wrap my head around the science idea that there was never a beginning and will never be an end because time is a constant that never started and will never end.

A Christian point to view I found interesting was this:

“Time exists when matter exists. Time has even been called the fourth dimension.
But God is not matter. In fact, God created matter. He created the universe.
So, time began when God created the universe. Before that, God simply existed and time had no meaning”

With this in mind they state that time was created when god created matter. This would mean that there was a beginning. The beginning would have been when the first piece of matter was created.

Now I then looked at it from a science point of view.

Time = What we perceive based on changes from one thing to another. 
EXAMPLE: 
X changes into Y
Because X changes to Y it must have some form of movement.
If there was no movement at all, it would not be able to change from X to Y. (Movement is a form of energy)
So based on this, Time exists because of movement... 
If everything froze, and by everything I mean every Particle, Atom, Quark etc, and nothing was able to move at all, but somehow our consciousness continued to work. We would record the time that passed, because our conscious thoughts could keep a record by doing something like counting in seconds. 
HOWEVER 
If everything froze (every particle, atom, quark etc) we would have no conscious thought, and so because of this, what we perceive to be time would no longer exist.

So no matter what point of view you look at it from time must have started somewhere.


The way we can explain this would be like so.

Time has always and will always exist, however it has not always been in motion.
Energy has and will always exist. (Movement is caused by energy)

So time exists as long as at least some of the energy that exists is movement energy.

With this being the case I can now say...



When all the energy in existence is anything but movement energy then time = 0 (It’s at a standstill)

As soon as one single part of that energy changes into movement energy time then starts.

If all the energy stopped moving and became some other form of energy other than movement energy, then there would be no movement and so time would stop.


So when they say that in the beginning there was nothing. In some way they were right, but in another way they were wrong. As we have proved with “Conservation of Energy Law” (Ref E) even at the start of time its self (If there ever was a start), energy existed.

So at the beginning of creation/existence the only thing to exist would be one huge source of energy. All the energy that we have in our existence, including all the energy across the universe and beyond (if there is a beyond), and it has and always will exist. It had no form and may not have done anything but none the less it existed.

The thing is that although this huge amount of energy existed it was also nothingness.

With the “Annihilation” (Ref F) concept we can say that this huge source of energy had a value of 0 becoming nothing.

So in the beginning there was actually nothing, but this nothing was just all of the energy in existence all paired together to create nothing rather than actually being nothing. It is also possible for this nothing particle to have a “Center of momentum frame”. This means that it has zero velocity. (No movement).

So, if all of this energy had a movement of zero then time had yet to start.





So before the beginning of time…

This energy was everywhere (Omnipresence), because it was everywhere and it was energy it was unlimited power (Omnipotence).
This energy didn’t have a mass or parts to it (Incorporeal and Divine simplicity).
Being energy we also prove that it will and has always been there, and is needed to exist (Eternal and Necessary Existence) and with it being the one thing that makes existence possible it’s the most powerful and important thing to ever exist (The Greatest Conceivable Existent).

This energy source has now already taken on a lot of the attributes required to be god. To keep things simple we will give this energy source a reference name. We shall call it the “Entity”.

Now the Entity is everything in existence but also nothing. So how does it create everything that we see before us now? Just as god was said to have created the world, this proves how the world was created by the Entity.

The “Conservation of Energy Law” (Ref E) states that one energy, be it Light, Sound, Heat, Kinetic, Electrical or any of the many other energies can change into any of the other energies, including particles that make up atoms.

By splitting just one of the nothing particles it would cause a chain reaction causing others around it to also split up and change from the nothing particle into a new form of energy or mass.
This new form of energy or mass could be anything from a new atom that could be used to create an element or it could change into a form of heat energy that also affects the others around it. Either way a new thing had been created.


Think of the splitting process like this.. you have nothing.. a zero... emptiness.

Now if we look at this on a number line you will see what I mean.

-10,-9,-8,-7,-6,-5,-4,-3,-2,-1, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10

Our nothing energy particle is sat here at 0.
Now if we take 1 from nothing you would assume that’s not possible, but this is where it gets explained. 
On the number line if you take one from it you have 1 and it is left with -1
This states how the nothing energy can become something else. 
We now have a +1 particle and a -1 particle from something that was 0. All one of these new particles needs is to have movement and it has started off time, not only this but it will also bump into other nothing particles and make them change.

Now this conforms to the idea of the big bang. When the first nothing from the Entity splits it would cause a chain reaction around it where loads of energy is released. This would also be where scientist believe the centre of the universe is.

As you may know when you have a chain reaction that spreads outwards what happens is at first it spreads fast covering a small area around it. Following this it then continues to spread further and further out but with less and less of an effect. With this however the effect would be the same.

Say in one second it had converted a meter of nothingness around it to a new form of energy, then in the next second it would still cover another meter of nothingness but because it would be spreading out in a 360° radius it would convert even more and more as it goes.  

This also explains why the universe is constantly expanding….

So... We have now explained how time started, why there would be a center point of the universe, how other partials, atoms and such would be made.

If we follow the same principals of the big bang we then end up with planets, suns, star dust etc eventually leading to the creation of DNA and then to us..

A lot of people ho believe in a religion seem to believe that for some reason (although we have a lot of proof that it has and will happen) that evolution never happened. Apparently we were created in Gods image... Well.... If we take the Entity (this mass of energy) as what you would perceive as God, then in fact all those people would be right as well as wrong..

For you see, we are made up of many bits of mass and energy all wound tightly together to create us. With that being said we are made up of the exact same things that this Entity was made of. So we are in fact just like the Entity (God).. I would rather not call It god. Due to the fact that a lot of people would be sitting there going "But god created everything, so he/she/other must have had a consciousness in order to do that".. My response would simply be. "Really?"

But anyway..

So as I was saying we are made up of the same stuff as the Entity and there for we are in some way MADE in its image, however due to us being a mixture of mass and energy we have taken on a new form where we view ourselves as "Human".

Now I'm going to side track slightly to go and cover a few other things that belief systems usually pass across...


TO BE UPDATED FROM HERE
Explain here about how the Entity links in with:
Praying to god - subconsciousness
A bit of god in all of us - Entity
Death/rebirth - Movement of energy from one to another

(To be expanded on)

TO BE CONTINUED...

Possessions...

Hmmmm.. Thoughts yet again.

It is possible to do this.. but how many people in the whole world actually would..

I have grown up and throughout my entire life time I have gained lots of possessions, and these possessions are now stored in my own flat.
I have a lot of memory's linked to these things.. so parting with them is very hard. It gets even harder to part with them all when you know how hard you worked to get everything you currently have.

You spent many years perfecting everything that you have into being what you wanted to have, weather these be memories that spark emotions or if they are just simply things you always wanted/needed.

But if you were told that you could start a fresh new life, and take the path you want in life, all you had to do was abandon all your possessions... could you?

When thinking about it I sit there and think.. They are only things.. I can get them again..
But then you take a hard look at what you actually have and it becomes a completely different matter..

Now this shocks me. I'm usually a logical person yet the emotion of possessions still seems to overrule my thinking.

Why is this?

They are only things right? I could get them back if I tried.... Its not like I actually NEED them to live... but yet I still don't want to part with everything I have.

Does this make me mentally weak?

Or maybe the thing given in return isn't worth as much as the memories and possessions?

I would be extremely curious as to what others would do given the same choice...

Sunday 22 April 2012

Lately I ......

I was thinking..
Already I know this can't be a good thing heh
But I really can't believe how we are so controlled these days.

There are so many things we would all love to say or do, but we never do these things because of the consequences.. now not all these consequences should be bad.. but they can end up being bad consequences due to things placed in our way..

For example:
I live in a house..
I have to pay to live here..
I want to see my friends and party.. but in doing so it costs money and then I can't afford to pay to live where I am..
So I don't party to keep my house..

Now that's a bit of an extreme example.. but think of it this way..
If we didn't have to pay to live in that house and you only had to pay for the things you want like food, gas, lecky etc then you would be able to do more things..

This isn't just linked to houses..
Take a friendship for example.
If you want to say something but you know the consequences of saying that thing will be bad you generally don't say it..
Now this is usually because you don't want to upset people.. but most of the time they only get upset because their not wanting to accept the fact that what they do, say, look like or how they act has such an effect that caused you to think like that in the first place.

Its quite sad really that we are so constricted by everything around us.. physically and emotionally.

There have been many things I have wanted to say or do.. but yet I know that I can't..
FUCK IT SUCKS!

Currently I have been going through a real rough patch with my personality's.
Chloe will hate to read this but I have had Jay under control for the past year and a half.. and its been amazing..
Nothing has really gone wrong because I have said or done something I hated doing or saying..
The only things that have gone wrong worked out fine in the long run.

But lately Jay has been one persistent bastard!
I have felt myself slipping into his consciousness and thinking in such a positive way about so many things I know will end up bad..
And I'm failing..

I think its mainly due to the stress I have been under lately and the fact that it has taken such a toll on my mind lately with not being to solve the situations that Jay has been trying to tell me that you don't always have to solve them.. sometimes its better to just forget about it and do something so risky that it might work.

Thing is.. I know I can't trust him.. but he is so damn convincing..
For example.. I want to join the RAF for many reasons.. but I can't just quit my job.. join the RAF and things work out fine..
I need to be able to keep my stuff, flat, TV, PC, Sofas, bed.. where and how can I keep it if I have no income.. Yes the RAF will pay but not for a few months... =/

Jay seems to think we should just do it... Sign up right now.. go for the interview thing... quit work and start RAF life..
but what about the flat/money/chloe :S

That's one of the things he seems so adamant on doing so spontaneously and I'm starting to believe him..
And for James to listen to Jay after locking him away for such a long time is just wrong. =/

I think I'm worrying he'll take over again and I'll lose everything I have built for my self.. As I know he sees me doing other things.... traveling around the world living in random locations, being free spirited, parties.. just living life to the most I could..

....
..
*sigh*
I suppose in some way I'm looking for a valve I can open and allow Jay to leak through rather than build up.. but while he leaks through... also not upset people...

Possible? not sure.. but my mind can't rest and I get angry at myself for even listening, let alone then not doing... =[

I suppose this blog post has no actual resolution endpoint or structure for that matter so I'll wrap it up here and allow you all to take this information and use it how ever you wish.. =/

Current song that I relate to right now.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_qdY3617wo